Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
