Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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