I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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