Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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