You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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