guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
