after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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