He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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