You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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