3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
