420 ftw
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
