I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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