No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
