Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So squirting runs in the family.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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