I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize