I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
