operation harelip BJ is a go
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
