she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
