If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize