Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
