Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it's like iHOP with fire
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
