Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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