Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
