Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
