there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
