Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
