an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
