I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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