We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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