There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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