PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
