Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize