I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
