1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
a search helicopter?!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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