I wish I could teleport
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
