8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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