Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
