I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize