Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
