The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
