Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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