Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
