went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
