at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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