Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
