just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
