I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
