so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
