Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
