Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
