my sisters under your porch take her home
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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