Banned from zoo.
Again?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
