cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Vodka?
Forever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
