apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
