yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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