Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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