got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
