All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
