first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
