he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
