She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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