I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
