so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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