The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
