if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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