My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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