how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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